Sometimes
I feel like an old person, mainly while I'm watching TV, and some
famous actor who I have never heard of comes on and tries to sell me
protein shakes, or a used car, or the latest and greatest iPad. This
usually ends with me becoming hyper critical of the commercial, or
society in general, and generally being bitter and out of touch, thus
the monicker an old person moment. Recently, (but not that recently)
I was skimming the nominees for the Oscars, because sometimes I like
to pretend to be informed. Here's how it went: Life of Pi for best
picture? I remember reading a summery of that book in high school, I
guess it's got a shot, against ummmm I know none of these movies.
Wait Django Unchained for best picture, really!? Like it was a cool
movie, great action, funny dialogue, all and all classic Tarantino,
but best picture? I don't know if two hours of Jamie Fox, Leonardo
DiCaprio, and “The Jew Hunter” from the last Tarantino flick
saying the N-word can really be considered a masterpiece of cinema.
Do they feel bad for not giving him Best Picture for Pulp Fiction or
something? Wait lemme check Wikipedia, did Pulp Fiction win best
picture...no, it did not, but holy shit does Tarantino have a lot of
nominations! Does he have like an Uncle that's connected or
something? Or they just do this to shut him up, and piss off Spike
Lee?
Oh
Danial Day-Lewis is up for best actor, big surprise. Dude, if anyone
in this world has commitment it has got to be that guy! Remember
There will be Blood? That movie was bad ass. I drink your
milkshake/bastard in a basket. Ha ha ha, Danial Day-Lewis is insane.
I heard his wife once convinced him to role play, so he disappeared
for three months to become a volunteer fire-fighter in California
during the wildfires, and saved an entire bus load of children and
nuns from the blaze... Or something like that; I can't remember
really. And, wait Bradly fucking Cooper's up for Best Actor too?
For real doe? The guy that isn't Zach Galifianakis from the Hangover
is up for Best Actor? What the hell was he in anyways? Silver
Linings Playbook. Is that a sports movie? What's the trailer look
like?
Okay so,
The-guy-that-isn't-Zach-Galifianakis-from-the-Hangover is really
angry at this book. Did they just remove the rap from old 90's song
and put the trailer to it? Oh snap DeNiro's in this shit! And
The-guy-that-isn't-Zach-Galifianakis-from-the-Hangover is mad at
Hemingway? See how smart this movie is, referencing authors and
shit. Blah blah blah I wanna happy ending! See me venting my
frustrations in my life at a book! I want to be loved! Hemingway
sucks! What a putz. Come on give
The-guy-that-isn't-Zach-Galifianakis-from-the-Hangover a chance,
even if he dare diss the never ending fountain of manliness that is
good ol' Earnest. Okay so he's working out...for a girl...and he's
seeing a shrink...and his wife's cheating on him. Oh no he's going
to go crazy now! Look the police! Look how fucking edgy
The-guy-that-isn't-Zach-Galifianakis-from-the-Hangover has become!
He's a man that's lost everything! He's a serious actor! Remember
how Sean Penn went from Spicoli to the most serious actor in the biz?
Well, The-guy-that-isn't-Zach-Galifianakis-from-the-Hangover is the
next mother fucking Sean Penn! Oh and a new love interest I wonder
if he'll overcome his anger issues to be with her? Look they're both
married...kinda. And now he's fighting some drunk asshole at football
game. Did we mention he has anger issues? Whoa mood shift, cue
Mumford & Sons. Check out how indie this shit is! Mumford and
Sons bet you never heard this on the radio especially like not
everyday since it came out (I don't know if it's “and” or “&”,
between “Mumford” and “Sons” but that kinda works doesn't
it?). Okay so how is going to overcome his anger? Finding true
love? Finding himself in someone else? Helping wayward minority
youths? Did she just say dancing?! Fucking dancing! I'm so
frustrated this world that I am prone to outbursts of violence on
innocent intoxicated sports fans, perhaps if I (dramatic pause) dance
out these frustrations! Fuck this movie, I'm done with this
trailer.
Okay so let's see Best Actress now. One for five on the “I've
heard that name before” score. Ugh, how am I supposed to fake
being informed like this. Is this sexist of me? Like I knew every
Best Actor Nominee, but only Naomi Watts really rings a bell here,
and I can't even name anything she's in. Perhaps it's society's
sexism projecting on me, and I don't know any of the Best Actress
nominees because they're downplayed due to their gender! No, I think
I'm just an idiot. Have I at least heard of any of the movies these,
I am certain, talented actresses have been nominated
?
Silver Linings Playbook again?! Okay I'm sure everyone except this
Jennifer Lawrence is a talented actress. Where have I heard that
name before though? Jennifer Lawrence...oh she was in the Hunger
Games. Hey IMDB, what else was she in? Winter's Bone? Why the fuck
would you go from Winter's Bone to “Step It Up 48: The Middle Age
Years, featuring:
The-guy-that-isn't-Zach-Galifianakis-from-the-Hangover.” I guess
if you want an Oscar though, you couldn't find a more safely edgy
film that no one has ever heard of this season. Wait a second how
old is, sweet Jesus I don't even want to try and pronounce that,
Quvenzhané
Wallis. Okay so she was born in 2003 making her...nine. I have a
pair of underware older than this girl (They're my lucky pair,
weighing in at 11 years old and, due to the ravages of time, no
longer wearable or washable making them even less wearable). That's
pretty depressing.
Okay
what else is there? Supporting actor and supporting actress are both
kind of boring catigories, I'll just scan it. How many frigging
nominations did Silver Linings Playbook get God damnit?! I mean I
know the Academy, or whoever picks the nominees, are just a ton of
old frustrated white guys, but do they all secretly want to dance
too? Like for real, you couldn't throw Tom Hardy, and Chistopher
Nolan for that matter, a sympathy nomination for Bane? I mean it
wasn't like he was unbelievable or anything, but still worth at least
acknowlleging Dark Knight Rises. No, let's give DeNiro a chance at
an Oscar for “Dirty Dancing, But Instead of an Underage Girl and
Middle Age Guy with Anger Problems;” he's never recieved any
critical acclaim. He's a new fresh face! Who's ever heard of Bobby
DeNiro anyways? Come on David, you're not mad at DeNiro; you're mad
at the system. Remember Taxi Driver? Exactly, you can't be mad at
DeNiro he was Travis
Bickle in
Soccassie's coke phase.
He deserves all the lobs the Academy is willing to throw at him.
What
else is there? Animated Film: goes to Pixar because everything else
is crap more often than not. Cinemotraphy and costume design: good
thing I know who these people are (sarcasm). Best Director:
Spelburg's up, but he's won enough awards, and everyone knows it;
hopefully it goes to a fresh face. Okay so, I don't care about these
catagories, or these ones, or they're any good ones left? Oh here we
go way at the bottom: Writing! Fucking America got no fucking
respect for fucking writers, no wonder fucking “Saturday Night
Fever 2: Disco's Dead and I'm Alone” is nominated for thirty
fucking Oscars! Let's see though...wait there's two catagories, one
for orginal and the other's for adapted screen plays? All the
based-on-the-best-selling-novel movies must have kept on winning.
This really show's how down hill movie scripts have gotten. Did you
actually create something to be filmed and watched, or buy
someonelse's creation, shortened it, put the character's name on top
of all their dialouge, and rewrite the descriptions less specific and
in itallics? Okay, so for orginal we got...Quientin Tarintio versus
Wes Anderson? The film hipster in me is torn asunder! I mean
Tarintio is resurecting B-Movies with huge budgets, but Anderson's
dialouge is like Diablo Cody if she wasn't a talantless lobtotomized
hack. And for adapted we got. Oh have got to be shitting me. What
the hell was Silver Linings Playbook adapted from? A bloody stool?
