Pop Culture Essay

Sometimes I feel like an old person, mainly while I'm watching TV, and some famous actor who I have never heard of comes on and tries to sell me protein shakes, or a used car, or the latest and greatest iPad. This usually ends with me becoming hyper critical of the commercial, or society in general, and generally being bitter and out of touch, thus the monicker an old person moment. Recently, (but not that recently) I was skimming the nominees for the Oscars, because sometimes I like to pretend to be informed. Here's how it went: Life of Pi for best picture? I remember reading a summery of that book in high school, I guess it's got a shot, against ummmm I know none of these movies. Wait Django Unchained for best picture, really!? Like it was a cool movie, great action, funny dialogue, all and all classic Tarantino, but best picture? I don't know if two hours of Jamie Fox, Leonardo DiCaprio, and “The Jew Hunter” from the last Tarantino flick saying the N-word can really be considered a masterpiece of cinema. Do they feel bad for not giving him Best Picture for Pulp Fiction or something? Wait lemme check Wikipedia, did Pulp Fiction win best picture...no, it did not, but holy shit does Tarantino have a lot of nominations! Does he have like an Uncle that's connected or something? Or they just do this to shut him up, and piss off Spike Lee?

Oh Danial Day-Lewis is up for best actor, big surprise. Dude, if anyone in this world has commitment it has got to be that guy! Remember There will be Blood? That movie was bad ass. I drink your milkshake/bastard in a basket. Ha ha ha, Danial Day-Lewis is insane. I heard his wife once convinced him to role play, so he disappeared for three months to become a volunteer fire-fighter in California during the wildfires, and saved an entire bus load of children and nuns from the blaze... Or something like that; I can't remember really. And, wait Bradly fucking Cooper's up for Best Actor too? For real doe? The guy that isn't Zach Galifianakis from the Hangover is up for Best Actor? What the hell was he in anyways? Silver Linings Playbook. Is that a sports movie? What's the trailer look like?

Okay so, The-guy-that-isn't-Zach-Galifianakis-from-the-Hangover is really angry at this book. Did they just remove the rap from old 90's song and put the trailer to it? Oh snap DeNiro's in this shit! And The-guy-that-isn't-Zach-Galifianakis-from-the-Hangover is mad at Hemingway? See how smart this movie is, referencing authors and shit. Blah blah blah I wanna happy ending! See me venting my frustrations in my life at a book! I want to be loved! Hemingway sucks! What a putz. Come on give The-guy-that-isn't-Zach-Galifianakis-from-the-Hangover a chance, even if he dare diss the never ending fountain of manliness that is good ol' Earnest. Okay so he's working out...for a girl...and he's seeing a shrink...and his wife's cheating on him. Oh no he's going to go crazy now! Look the police! Look how fucking edgy The-guy-that-isn't-Zach-Galifianakis-from-the-Hangover has become! He's a man that's lost everything! He's a serious actor! Remember how Sean Penn went from Spicoli to the most serious actor in the biz? Well, The-guy-that-isn't-Zach-Galifianakis-from-the-Hangover is the next mother fucking Sean Penn! Oh and a new love interest I wonder if he'll overcome his anger issues to be with her? Look they're both married...kinda. And now he's fighting some drunk asshole at football game. Did we mention he has anger issues? Whoa mood shift, cue Mumford & Sons. Check out how indie this shit is! Mumford and Sons bet you never heard this on the radio especially like not everyday since it came out (I don't know if it's “and” or “&”, between “Mumford” and “Sons” but that kinda works doesn't it?). Okay so how is going to overcome his anger? Finding true love? Finding himself in someone else? Helping wayward minority youths? Did she just say dancing?! Fucking dancing! I'm so frustrated this world that I am prone to outbursts of violence on innocent intoxicated sports fans, perhaps if I (dramatic pause) dance out these frustrations! Fuck this movie, I'm done with this trailer.

Okay so let's see Best Actress now. One for five on the “I've heard that name before” score. Ugh, how am I supposed to fake being informed like this. Is this sexist of me? Like I knew every Best Actor Nominee, but only Naomi Watts really rings a bell here, and I can't even name anything she's in. Perhaps it's society's sexism projecting on me, and I don't know any of the Best Actress nominees because they're downplayed due to their gender! No, I think I'm just an idiot. Have I at least heard of any of the movies these, I am certain, talented actresses have been nominated? Silver Linings Playbook again?! Okay I'm sure everyone except this Jennifer Lawrence is a talented actress. Where have I heard that name before though? Jennifer Lawrence...oh she was in the Hunger Games. Hey IMDB, what else was she in? Winter's Bone? Why the fuck would you go from Winter's Bone to “Step It Up 48: The Middle Age Years, featuring: The-guy-that-isn't-Zach-Galifianakis-from-the-Hangover.” I guess if you want an Oscar though, you couldn't find a more safely edgy film that no one has ever heard of this season. Wait a second how old is, sweet Jesus I don't even want to try and pronounce that, Quvenzhané Wallis. Okay so she was born in 2003 making her...nine. I have a pair of underware older than this girl (They're my lucky pair, weighing in at 11 years old and, due to the ravages of time, no longer wearable or washable making them even less wearable). That's pretty depressing.

Okay what else is there? Supporting actor and supporting actress are both kind of boring catigories, I'll just scan it. How many frigging nominations did Silver Linings Playbook get God damnit?! I mean I know the Academy, or whoever picks the nominees, are just a ton of old frustrated white guys, but do they all secretly want to dance too? Like for real, you couldn't throw Tom Hardy, and Chistopher Nolan for that matter, a sympathy nomination for Bane? I mean it wasn't like he was unbelievable or anything, but still worth at least acknowlleging Dark Knight Rises. No, let's give DeNiro a chance at an Oscar for “Dirty Dancing, But Instead of an Underage Girl and Middle Age Guy with Anger Problems;” he's never recieved any critical acclaim. He's a new fresh face! Who's ever heard of Bobby DeNiro anyways? Come on David, you're not mad at DeNiro; you're mad at the system. Remember Taxi Driver? Exactly, you can't be mad at DeNiro he was Travis Bickle in Soccassie's coke phase. He deserves all the lobs the Academy is willing to throw at him.

What else is there? Animated Film: goes to Pixar because everything else is crap more often than not. Cinemotraphy and costume design: good thing I know who these people are (sarcasm). Best Director: Spelburg's up, but he's won enough awards, and everyone knows it; hopefully it goes to a fresh face. Okay so, I don't care about these catagories, or these ones, or they're any good ones left? Oh here we go way at the bottom: Writing! Fucking America got no fucking respect for fucking writers, no wonder fucking “Saturday Night Fever 2: Disco's Dead and I'm Alone” is nominated for thirty fucking Oscars! Let's see though...wait there's two catagories, one for orginal and the other's for adapted screen plays? All the based-on-the-best-selling-novel movies must have kept on winning. This really show's how down hill movie scripts have gotten. Did you actually create something to be filmed and watched, or buy someonelse's creation, shortened it, put the character's name on top of all their dialouge, and rewrite the descriptions less specific and in itallics? Okay, so for orginal we got...Quientin Tarintio versus Wes Anderson? The film hipster in me is torn asunder! I mean Tarintio is resurecting B-Movies with huge budgets, but Anderson's dialouge is like Diablo Cody if she wasn't a talantless lobtotomized hack. And for adapted we got. Oh have got to be shitting me. What the hell was Silver Linings Playbook adapted from? A bloody stool?